Chaos, frustration, irritation, annoyance, unfairness, disappointment, and other similar feelings can all lead one to become angry. How one manifests that anger is really where the problem starts. Becoming angry, frustrated, or having these negative feelings isn’t wrong alone. The Bible talks to us about righteous anger and we see this exemplified before us when Jesus became angry at the sin and corruption in the temple. Because the people were selling in the temple and distorting its purpose, Jesus flipped over tables and used a whip to drive everyone and their goods out (Matthew 21:12-13). He used physical force and probably raised His voice, all in response to the greediness and sin of the people. The anger issue is that because we are humans and privy to falling into the flesh, we tend to let anger drive our words, actions, and perspectives. We often allow anger to manifest into outbursts, arguments, or even physical violence in some situations. Anger is dangerous when not controlled because it can distort the mind and the heart of the person ruminating and cause them to not have the self-control necessary to respond correctly.
Jesus makes it very clear to us that we are to respond to situations, not react.
“Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” (Matthew 5:38-39)
This verse is gold when learning how to maturely handle people. Jesus teaches us not to react. When we react it is usually implying impulsivity. You get smacked so you immediately smack the person back. That’s reacting. Or someone says something rude and you immediately snap back. Maybe someone disagrees with you and maybe they are truly wrong but you argue and debate and get yourself worked up. In these situations, almost all of us have fallen into reacting at some point. But reacting is the fleshly, human side of us that we are to fight against with the spirit. Responding, on the other hand, requires maturity, self-control, and patience. One has to be patient with ignorance, rudeness, or disagreement. It is best to agree to disagree instead of argue. It is best to walk away from the one attempting to attack you rather than defend or fight back. (Of course, God permits us to physically defend ourselves from imminent danger over ourselves or our families. But in lesser situations, when others attempt to provoke or taunt us, it is best not to defend or argue, but to walk away.) These calm, controlled, collected responses bring peace and harmony to these unpleasant situations. God doesn’t want us to become overwhelmed, anxious, or drained. He specifically tells us many times in the Bible to be anxious for nothing (Philippians 4:6-7). He gives us the solution to these conflicts we find ourselves in. The solution is to first respond, with grace and love, and then to give it to God. The Bible explicitly tells us that the fight is the LORD’s and not ours (1 Samuel 14:47). Still, we must learn to deal with anger and manage it according to God’s principles.
Let us first receive some motivation by looking at what God has to say pertaining to the rewards of controlling our anger. It is important to get an idea of how a wise, even-tempered person operates. The Bible tells us that people with good sense and wisdom restrain their anger. They earn esteem and reverence by overlooking the wrongs of others. They do this in order to remain even-tempered. They bring peace and harmony by dealing in love with others and they are not easily emotionally shaken.
“The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.” (Proverbs 19:11)
Here, the Bible is telling us that one receives glory when they overlook the wrongs of others. In their wisdom and experience, they control their emotions and remain even-tempered even in the face of trials and tribulations. It’s as if God knows that we may become angry by the sins of others and He actually protects us from anger by telling us to overlook those wrongs. This is especially important when dealing with those who transgress against us personally. In order to remain even-tempered when others transgress against us, we have to find a way to not be offended, to not take things personally, and to learn to absorb these words and actions of others with grace, love, and forgiveness. Of course, this is not easy. But there is no greater example of this than Jesus when He was on the Cross. Even though He had been beaten and scourged, humiliated and betrayed, and He was nailed to the Cross dying a slow, excruciating death, Christ opened His mouth and spoke these words of the ones who had crucified Him: “Then said Jesus, Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)
Could any of us honestly say that we would even have the fortitude in such an excruciating moment to even think good thoughts towards the ones who put us there? Let alone pray for them and their forgiveness? This is the kind of heart God wants us to have. He explicitly commands us to pray for our enemies and those who transgress against us. Not only is this in the Lord’s prayer (Matthew 6:9-13), but it is also throughout the Bible in many other places too. In Matthew, Jesus says this: “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;” (Matthew 5:44) Love your enemies…That is even harder than not getting angry! But this is what God expects and wants from us. If we understand that, then it becomes even more stark why we should control our anger and emotions. In order to walk in God’s perfect will and stay on the path of righteousness, we have to be even-tempered, forgiving, graceful people who overlook the wrongs of others with love and care. As Christians, we should be the ones shouting the importance and the principles of love in this perverted time. Many have attempted to twist the meaning and veracity of love. But it is our duty to be the examples of agape (perfect, selfless) love and orators of truth.
Now that we understand how to treat others, the heart God wants us to have, and we have an idea of how an even-tempered person operates, let’s take a closer look at some guiding principles we should mind when dealing with anger.
“Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” (Ephesians 4:26)
One guiding principle to live by considering anger is this: When you’re angry, do not sin. Seems pretty simple, right? But we’ve already discussed how God expects us to love our enemies and if we are thinking bad thoughts towards them or holding hatred in our hearts, we are not doing right and our anger is causing us to sin. Sin doesn’t always have to be outward. In fact, the Bible tells us that it is not what we put into our body that harms it, it is what comes out of the body that does (Matthew 15:11). Essentially, what is inside of your heart is the true measure of you. God looks at the heart of a person, not at their hands and what they’re doing with them, but at their heart where the truth and the sum of the person lies.
Another extremely important principle to live by when dealing with anger is to stop being angry before the end of the day. Ephesians 4:26 places these two principles together because spending our day in anger is a sin that God doesn’t want us to engage in. Recall how God tells us not to worry over things, in fact, excessive worry is a sin in itself. If we are to walk in God’s perfect will and be effective, influential Christians, we must dedicate our brain space to the right things. The Bible says: “Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” (Philippians 4:8) These are the things that the Christian’s mind should be filled with. Spending a day ruminating angrily over something is in contradiction with God’s word which says: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” (2 Timothy 1:7) Notice how God has given us a sound mind. One cannot have a sound mind when they are excessively worrying or are seething with anger. There’s a reason we say “blinded by rage” because that anger can give us tunnel vision if we are not careful.
“Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go: Lest thou learn his ways, and get a snare to thy soul.” (Proverbs 22:24-25)
When dealing with a hot-tempered person, the Bible is very clear on how to handle them. We are to essentially walk the other way. The reason for this is that when we fellowship with others, it is inevitable that some of who they are rubs off on us. Just as some of who we are rubs off onto them. A child of God should have no reason to fellowship with hot-tempered, sinful people. (The Bible is pointed about who we as Christians shouldn’t fellowship with, see 1 Corinthians 5:11, 2 Corinthians 6:14, 2 Timothy 3:2-5.) We are certainly called to pray for them and to sharpen (gently correct) those around us who we ought to put the energy into (we should pray for everyone we can, but we are also told by God not to correct fools (Proverbs 9:7-8) because fools hate correction (Proverbs 23:9) and this correcting would only lead to chaos, argument, or angry outbursts). But then some people are just angry, bitter, unhappy for any number of reasons. We could get caught sinning when being around a person like this whether because we lose our patience and snap, or because we put on those same characteristics ourselves and then start to become or act in the ways that that person is. This is why God very simply tells us not to be friends with angry people. It doesn’t mean not to be friendly, but we can’t fellowship or allow ourselves to spend so much time around these types of people so that we can stay even-tempered, not distracted, and focused on our purposes and missions that God has placed us here for.
It is important to note that we may be the ones that are hot-tempered and therefore others may need to distance themselves from us. Take the resignation of people in your lives seriously and determine whether or not you were the cause. Do everything in your power to always make right what you did wrong. But also remember that once you’ve made the wrong thing right and have offered your apology, you are not to live under guilt and shame. If the person is refusing your apology or won’t cooperate in fixing things, you are not ultimately responsible for their ability to forgive. When dealing with anger it is a forever battle. We will face things that will make us angry for the rest of our lives. But remember, it is how we manifest that anger and what we do with it that matters.
Now that we’ve learned some key principles when dealing with anger, let’s apply them and take a look at what we should do when we are angry at someone else.
“And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
The golden rule, as we’ve all heard, is to treat others the way you want to be treated. This principle comes right out of the Bible and the Ephesians 4:32 verse falls right in line with this. When you are wronged, what is it that you look for from the person who hurt you? Probably for them to have some sort of self-awareness and apologize or make the wrong thing right. Now take a moment to think about the last time you may have hurt someone whether on purpose or on accident. What did you do? Did you think about your actions and become convicted? Did you reach out and apologize or try to make the wrong thing right? Or, did you hide away and maybe hope for it all to blow over? Did you rely on time to heal the wound you caused? Did you invalidate the person or rationalize your actions? Or, maybe did you even expect the other person to come to you and make the situation right? Often when we make mistakes we want to immediately move on. It is so easy to try and make excuses, explain the situation away, or simply forget all about it entirely. Why would you want to sit there thinking about what you did wrong? That isn’t a good feeling, and sometimes we can take it to the opposite extreme and obsess over our mistakes, not finding a way to forgive ourselves or move on from the situation even if the other person did forgive us and it is long past. But what God wants for us falls in the middle. God wants us to be balanced. The Holy Spirit convicts us, not condemns us. This conviction is a feeling when you just know that something isn’t right. You don’t have a good, free feeling about what you did or said or maybe even a thought you had. This conviction causes us to act. Usually, once we become convicted, the first thing we do is ask God for forgiveness, which is a great thing. But because God has already forgiven us (As Christians we are saved by faith in what Christ did and His righteousness is accounted to us. He was the one, final sacrifice for all sins for all time for all who believe.) this sometimes is the easy way out. Sometimes we believe that asking God for forgiveness solves the conflict with the other person. But actually, it is the person we hurt who needs to forgive us in order that we don’t carry that weight around. And while God can fix anything and bring peace to us and our conflicts, it is important to remember that golden rule: How would you want someone to treat you if you were in their shoes? Don’t confuse the forgiveness we want from the one we wronged with the forgiveness we receive from Christ when we accept and trust in what He did for us. Also, don’t confuse sin. When we hurt someone else we didn’t sin against them. All sin is against God. But it is imperative to make peace and to do right because hurting someone else in our anger or in any other way is a sin against God.
The moral here is that when we are angry at someone else we need to forgive them, simply put. With everything we’ve learned so far, this is the time to apply them. Remember the reward of controlling your anger when someone hurts you or upsets you and don’t react, but respond. Do not sin in your anger and do not be angry the whole day. Before the sun goes down, put that anger away. If the person who caused you to be angry is an angry person themselves then remember to walk away and not fellowship with angry people. Treat them as you too would want to be treated. with love and kindness, grace and patience. Pray for them and give them over to God. Finally, just as Christ did, we have to forgive them and even find it in our hearts to love them.
Everything we’ve learned so far is more than applicable to the situation of someone else being angry at us.
“Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:” (James 1:19)
It is easy to fall into a victim mentality when someone else is angry at us, even if we are wrong. This is why having empathy and being patient and understanding matter so much. We already examined the the inner monologue that most of us have when we are angry. But not many of us discuss how to carry ourselves and respond to someone angry at us. The Bible tells us that we must be quick to hear and slow to speak. This is crucial. When someone is upset with us we need to listen first. Do they have a valid reason for being angry with you? Are they acting out and taking things out on you? Of course, none of us should be taking out our bad feelings on others, but it happens oh so often. If we remember the times we’ve been in that same position, we can more easily operate with empathy and care when dealing with this angry person. But this verse immediately warns us to be slow to anger. Remember how we learned that we are to steer clear of angry people so that they don’t, in turn, make us angry too. However, we cannot always escape angry people and situations where others are angry at us. That is why the Bible tells us to shut our mouths, open our ears, and not allow ourselves to become offended by what we’re hearing or experiencing. The Bible also directs us to not argue with people who are fools and in the same chapter of Proverbs 29 says that people who are quick to become angry are fools. Therefore, simply put, we shouldn’t argue with an angry person.
“Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:” (Ephesians 4:31)
Anger is a normal emotion that we all experience at times. We know that anger itself isn’t a sin and one can even experience righteous anger (when we are angry over something for the right reasons) as exemplified by Christ. But it is how we manifest that anger and what we do with it that determines whether we allow anger to cause us to sin or not. The Bible is very clear about what we should avoid if we become angry. We should not ruminate on anger all day, causing bitterness to well up in us. We should not allow that bitterness to continue past that day and become anger that manifests in wrath and outbursts, shouting, swearing, arguing, and ill-will. We must control our anger by remembering what Christ taught us on the Cross. We must love and pray for our enemies and even those who make us angry. When we are on the receiving end of someone else’s anger we need to be calm, graceful, and even empathetic, remembering when we were in their shoes. We can never forget to treat others the way we want to be treated and we must use this as a guiding principle when dealing with all people. But we’ve also learned that we shouldn’t fellowship with angry people lest we become angry ourselves. We should pray for those people and do good unto them, even if they don’t do good unto us. If we can learn to control our tempers and emotions we can walk in peace and harmony and ultimately fulfill God’s perfect will for our lives by acting out His word. (Faith requires action, and according to Hebrews 11:6 it is without faith that it is impossible to please God.) The reward of controlling our anger is receiving esteem and honor and becoming examples to be modeled for others. One who controls one’s emotions is wise and has good sense. God wants for us to be balanced, even-tempered and to have sound minds. But one cannot operate in a sound mind if they are blinded by anger.
Ultimately, it is God and His word which He gave to us that will lead us down the correct path. A path that while narrow, and hard for many to find, is the path that you are on right now. Don’t give up and cling to what He has taught us and use Christ as an example in all things. He tells us to pick up our cross and carry it daily. Carrying a cross is not easy. It is laborious and strenuous. But so is learning to control your temper and it is also a daily task. God knows this. Christ personally experienced every kind of hardship that any of us could face allowing Him to genuinely relate to us. That is why He teaches us how to respond to things because He knows that we are human, He knows that anger will arise. But God protects us by teaching us how to act and speak in these conflicts we face. Take it to heart when God says simple things like “when you’re angry, don’t sin” because it is these simple statements that often hold the most weight.
Bible verses in this article to read for further study and greater understanding:
1 Samuel 14:47
Proverbs 9:7-8
Proverbs 19:11
Proverbs 22:24-25
Proverbs 23:9
Proverbs 29:8-9
Proverbs 29:22
Matthew 5:38-39
Matthew 5:44
Matthew 6:9-13
Matthew 15:11
Matthew 21:12-13
Luke 23:34
1 Corinthians 5:11
2 Corinthians 6:14
Ephesians 4:26
Ephesians 4:31-32
Philippians 4:6
Philippians 4:8
2 Timothy 1:7
2 Timothy 3:2-5
James 1:19
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