Standard Bearers

Many of us have “friends”, but few of us have true friends. There is a difference and it does matter. Many of those “friends” we have are actually more like acquaintances. An acquaintance is someone we see, but not someone we really know or deeply trust. A friend is someone we see, we know, but the depth and reciprocity is lacking. You may trust a friend, but only to a point. We recognize that they may not share our values and in a lot of instances we actually don’t share many deep things in common with those we consider our friends. A true friend is someone in which we see, we know, and there is depth, substance, and reciprocity to the relationship. A true friend is one you can trust so deeply that you take heed to what they say even when it’s something about you. True friends can correct each other, share their feelings openly without fear of being judged, cast down, or attacked. They genuinely have your best interest at heart and they can openly celebrate you and your accomplishments without jealousy, envy, or malice in their heart. A true friend will show their love for you and they will be there for you as you’ve been there for them. There isn’t guilt, shame, or disappointment over disagreements or when you are expressing yourself. True friends will lift you up when you’re down and they will never forsake you, turn their back on you, or drop you at the first inconvenience or conflict. In fact, true friends stick by you when you are at your lowest. They are there to encourage you and help you get through your difficulties and sadnesses. But they don’t abandon you when you are at your highest. They stick close even when you are flying higher than they are because they want the best for you and do not find themselves jealous or bitter at you for your accomplishments or if you are better off than they are. A true friend is never comparing the two of you and always has your back. They don’t gossip about you, they don’t plan up tactics to hurt you or take you down, they don’t throw dirt on your name ever, especially when in the presence of others. A true friend prays for you and asks about you, not just talks about themselves. Now that we understand on a base level the difference between an acquaintance, a friend, and a true friend, let us see what the Bible has to say.

There are a few things we are going to look at when considering friends Biblically. First we are going to look at what the Bible says about friendship and how to be a friend. Second, we will take a look at some examples of true friendship in the Bible so that we can learn how to identify true friends in our own lives (it is also a suggestion that you look at yourself throughout reading this article and determine what kind of friend you are). Finally, we will look at those who God called his friend and glean how we too as Christians are friends of God. 

According to the Bible, a friend loves at all times (Proverbs 17:17). An acquaintance has no real deep feelings about you. But a friend should always build you up and be there for you when in need. An acquaintance has no investment in you and therefore will not put much or even any energy or care into their interactions with you. For example, a friend will absolutely call you when someone in your life passes. An acquaintance would only probably find out later and offer general condolences at the time of learning it. A true friend would be so invested in you emotionally that they will show up to the funeral and hold your hand through it all. A true friend mourns with you. 

A friend must himself be friendly (Proverbs 18:24). It goes without saying that generally speaking someone who isn’t friendly will not have friends. Acquaintances can be friendly too, but they tend to unintentionally offend because of their lack of knowledge of the other person and their beliefs and precepts. For example, a friend will support and build you up no matter what dress you choose for your wedding, they are there for positivity and love. But an acquaintance might give details about their opinions on wedding dresses, unintentionally bashing the style the bride is going for. It’s not that they’re being mean. It’s the lack of depth and genuine knowledge of the other person that causes the misunderstanding or seeming lack of empathy. Sometimes we hurt each other’s feelings just because we’re ignorant. We don’t know enough about them or their thoughts on the subject and then we begin to develop opinions about one another based on the responses we give. But the opinions are founded on mutual misunderstanding and ignorance. These issues seldom arise when dealing with a friend and even less so with a true friend. A true friend will offer honest feedback from a perspective you can trust. But they will ultimately support you in the end. 

The Bible tells us that a friend near is better than family far away (Proverbs 27:10). Sometimes when we are going through things we need someone who is close to the situation. Sometimes even your best friend isn’t the one who can help you if they aren’t involved or able to understand the situation. This is contrary to the last example of an acquaintance saying the wrong thing because of ignorance. Instead, some acquaintances can actually offer a quick word of advice from a perspective so new and this advice or perspective could be the very thing you need. A friend is a steady balance because ideally they would know a little bit about everything going on and is someone seen somewhat regularly. Whereas sometimes our truest friends are the furthest from us because the distance between us and them is not what binds the relationship. This is beautiful because they are always there in truth and in spirit. But it is also a detriment at times because they may be a little too removed from the situation to adequately help. 

“Faithful are the wounds of a friend: but the kisses of an enemy are deceitful.” (Proverbs 27:6). This scripture is beautiful. It tells us that a friend who causes hurt to us should not be in vain. Ideally, you and that friend will work it out and learn and grow from the situation. We should rather a friend be honest and it hurt, than an acquaintance or even an enemy flatter us. Yes men are not your friends, they are actually your enemies. The Bible explains this same concept to us on the subject of parents. If a parent loves their child, truly loves their child, they will correct them and reprimand them so that they grow into functional, productive, moral and upright members of society. A parent hates their child in their heart if they spoil them rotten, refuse to correct them, or literally does everything for them to the point that the parent is borderline a slave to their own child who becomes extremely dependent and grows increasingly demanding and entitled. In reference back to friendship, let’s use the example of peer pressure. A friend will not peer pressure you. They may partake in the acts that you disapprove of and they may even have private opinions about you in their head, but they wouldn’t pressure or force you into anything. An acquaintance, or an enemy, or anyone else who doesn’t have your best interest at heart, would peer pressure you, judge you, mock you, and make you feel outcast if you didn’t partake. They would most likely not hold back their growing opinions about you and they wouldn’t hesitate to resort to humiliating you. A true friend however wouldn’t even put you in the position to be peer pressured and they certainly wouldn’t peer pressure you themselves. In fact, they would probably take the time to advise you to stay out of situations where your values could be compromised because ultimately they have your best interest at heart. 

The Bible tells us that as friends we should sharpen each other as iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17). This is perhaps the greatest test of whether you have a true friend or not. This concept requires two willing, participating, and reciprocating partners. One cannot always give advice but never take it. One cannot expect back what he is not also giving out. There is a difference too between blatant criticism, contempt, and disrespect, and actually sharpening or bettering your friend. In order to sharpen someone, one has to be adequate enough (in word and in action) in that subject to offer advice. Furthermore, one must have the best interest of the other person at heart and actually be knowledgeable about who they are and what they believe. In a relationship where this sharpening is possible there must be established trust, mutual understanding, and selflessness. Let’s use two Christian as an example. 

A friend in Christ might tell another to quit smoking cigarettes because it’s bad for their health and doesn’t glorify God. If they have established trust, they know one another, and it is being perceived that the friend in Christ is not being judgmental or rude, but genuinely cares, this sharpening could actually be received well and the person may try to quit smoking. Now consider a youth leader, an acquaintance at the church, walking up to that same smoker and telling them that they need to quit smoking because their child reeks of smoke every Sunday morning and it’s distracting to her as a teacher and she feels that the smoker is being a bad parent. The teacher may add that it’s bad for the smoker’s health and that it doesn’t glorify God. But would anyone in the smoker’s shoes actually receive what the teacher said? In fact, she probably made the smoker want a cigarette more because of her behavior. The smoker doesn’t have established trust with this teacher, they are friendly because they go to church together and the teacher cares for her child during adult services, but they do not know each other well. The youth teacher was judgmental, rude, and assumptive. There was little care for the smoker or how she may have been embarrassing the child, and most of her reasons for the confrontation seemed selfish and petty. A true friend, someone who we have established trust with, who we know has our best interest at heart, and who genuinely knows us, is someone that could tell us to quit smoking and we would maybe even feel an obligation to quit so as not to let the person down. The true friend would never condemn us or be forceful or judgemental or make the issue about themselves. They would instead come to you with love, understanding, patience, grace, kindness, and forgiveness. They would give you the facts first and then express their feelings. They would remind you how you sharpened them once upon a time in one area and how they are here now to do the same for us. They would walk with us through the process, holding our hands, and forgiving us when we failed as we had done for them. A true friend in Christ would make it a part of their mission to get you to quit because they care that much about you, they are invested in you, they are in it with you till the end. 

Examples of true friends in the Bible:

• David and Jonathon were best friends and their souls even became tied together through their friendship (1 Samuel 18:).
• Ruth was so devoted to her mother-in-law that she followed her to a foreign land to start over (Ruth 1:16-17).
• The Song of Solomon in the Bible is a beautiful book about love and intimacy in marriage. But it also mentions the friendship between two lovers (Song of Solomon 5:16). 

Examples of who God calls his friends:

• God spoke to Moses face to face as a man and his friend (Exodus 33:11). 
• God called Abraham his friend because of his belief and faithfulness (James 2:23).
• Jesus called his disciples (and us) friends (John 15:15).
• Jesus called Lazarus friend (John 11:11).
• The Holy Spirit is our companion and comforter (John 14:26).

In reality, we may only find one or a few true friends in our whole lives. But that shouldn’t stop us from being true friends to those in our lives. God is clear about the difference between true friends and the rest. He cares so much about who we acquaint ourselves with that he gives us many different parameters in the Bible to follow when navigating through the people around us. Something to really consider when parting from this article is that we are instructed to show our love, not just say it. The Bible says: “My little children, let us not love in word, neither in tongue; but in deed and in truth.”(1 John 3:18). We are commanded to show our love for each other with action and in truth. It is so important that we outwardly express the love we have for each other because this provides comfort, stability, and peace in the relationships we have. Before you go on about your day, ask yourself these two questions: “What kind of friend am I to others in my life?” And, “What kind of friend am I to God?”